Spare Change

May the Lord direct your hearts into God's 

love and Christ's perseverance 

2 Thessalonians 3:5

I haven't been feeling like myself. My insides feel numb and my mind is constantly creating scenarios in my mind. I can't shake it off. I've honestly been crying every night for the past week and even while the process is in progress, I can't stop crying. Blame the hormones perhaps, but why do I feel this way? Why has the hurt turned me numb? Why are hurtful thoughts embedded in my mind? Why do I feel so little towards myself? I feel so lost. I feel so helpless. 

I cannot invalidate my feelings no matter how crazy they may be. I'm missing something and I can't really pinpoint what it is. Whatever it is, it's making me think of crazy things and I'm scared it'll overcome me and take charge in action. Resulting in something I know I'll regret. My insides are killing me. Maybe it's a shift in routine? I've grown so accustomed to a specific schedule, feeling a certain way from it, and now that it's slowly fading out, I feel like my conscience is going away with it. The slightest change is throwing me off. What's the reason behind not doing it anymore? How can I fix this? How can I step back and watch this happen without helping?

Every night was the same. Sometimes I'd hear from you sooner when you missed me just a little more, sometimes I'd hear from you a little later in the night, but I still heard from you. Possibly the shift in schedules has created this distance. Or you wanting to be alone more. The space will be given, I'll get accustomed to a new schedule and routine eventually. Maybe it's for the better but I know this is my weak spot. I've struggled in the past with less communication leading to less feelings but I don't want to feel this way towards you. I'm trying my best to not let my old mindset make me do something I will regret. I'm really trying and I hope you understand whenever I fall short with you.  Because this feeling scared me before and it still scares me now. You can say all you want and I know you're not one to be "cutesy" and I'm not asking for that. In some way, shape, or form, I just need to feel that you still love me and it's been slightly hard lately. Yeah, you're right, maybe we're both too stressed. Yeah, I know you still love me and I cannot let those words out of my head. I know you care. But I'm sorry, I guess it's just me. I guess it's just me being too needy and expecting too much. Things won't always be as dandy as they were before. I have to be ready for change. Maybe I'm the one who has to change.